In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
