Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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