Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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