giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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