just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Randomize
