I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
