This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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