nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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