Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
