Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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