We're like a lot better than the average bears
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
