My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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