There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Randomize
