What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sober January is a disaster.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
