just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
is it fun? or sober?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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