Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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