i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
