What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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