hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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