Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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