Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
