Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
