It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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