i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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