Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
