I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
a search helicopter?!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
