this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
