He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
