my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
