it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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