i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
