Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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