So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
