Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
