Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
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For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
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were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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