i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
