What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
