I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
