There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
