so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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