Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
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I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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