i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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