You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
