she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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