Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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