It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
