I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
