If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
