tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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