I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
