Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
