Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
