I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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