My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Still dying that you shit outside
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
