i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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