i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
