I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
