I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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