BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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