1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
