there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
