when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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